The Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker
Posted by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach & Consultant
Is there anything worse? Is there any office without one? I
doubt it and I doubt it. So what do you do when youre faced
with The Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker?
First of all, understand theyre playing mind games with you. If
the sign that youre dealing with a paranoid person is that you
get paranoid, the sign that youre dealing with a
passive-aggressive person is that you get angry. Not a quick,
clean, clear anger, as you would with someone who confronted you
directly. Its a cloudy sort of emotion that starts slowly.
Often, in fact, youll be curious about the person. Why? Because
part of being passive is being hidden, and so your curiosity
is peaked, but not for long. Soon you discover how toxic it is
to deal with this person.
What sort of jobs do they have? Quite often, frankly, its a job
thats rather low on the totem pole, but one, nevertheless, that
has power. Also they are often entrenched, dug in like a tick.
They have been there forever, or may have some special ties to
the boss or manager. They have some sort of protected status, or
tenure, which allows them to stay where they are when no one
likes them or wants to work with them.
If its any consolation, they generally arent promoted, being
unpromotable, but this only adds to the negativity that feeds
their passive-aggression.
An example would be the Supply Clerk in a law firm. Theyre
responsible for special supplies such as when a trial
notebook is needed and are often also in charge of assembling
it. This puts them in a very powerful position, as they can
stall your work just at the time its needed most. You can
really hit a brick wall if your boss is unaware or unconcerned,
or if theyre the one who keeps the P-A person on staff.
Trying to ingratiate yourself to the P-A person rarely works.
They usually arent truly friendly people, so they may let you
try, but it doesnt lead to real cooperation, nor will it solve
your problem.
HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN TRY:
1. Start documentation.
Note that youve asked them to do something and then make the
paper trail. At least in that way, if the project fails, your
supervisor or boss will see where the problem was.
2. Go around them if you possibly can.
Order extra supplies when you dont need them and stockpile
them. Write your own memos. Make the phone call yourself. Its
just easier in the long run, and will save you a lot of
frustration.
3. Confront them with particular behavioral issues.
That is, dont go into personalities, which is tempting in this
case, but state what happened and how you felt about it. When
they fail to deliver, state this. I asked you to XXX and you
said you would, and then you didnt. Then just let it hang.
Sometimes when theyve been uncovered, theyll respond better
to you.
4. Go directly to your supervisor and state the problem in
behavioral terms.
Deal with facts and give specific examples. Show how the P-A
person is hampering your productivity, and ask your supervisor
what you should do about it.
5. If you have any leverage over the person, use it.
Document, and deal with hard consequences immediately. The
sooner you nip it in the bud, the better. Ive seen it work to
say, Some day youre going to need my help on something. Id
suggest you cooperate with me so when you need my help, it will
be there.
6. When you must give this person an assignment (but are not
their direct supervisor), ask them directly about results. This
must be completed by noon on Thursday. Will you have it ready
then? Wait for a yes or a no.
7. Keep your head clear to circumvent the mind games.
Though they don't intentionally mean to be harmful, they
intentionally are doing the behavior they are that's
aggravating. I so often hear clients say, after a long lament
about the circumstances and how they were done in, But
theyre a good person. I know they didnt mean to do that.
Unfortunately, yes they DID mean to do that. The catch is,
they may not be mindful of what theyre doing; in fact usually
they are not. It's a self-protective mode, where they're focused
on themselves.
So direct confrontation doesnt work. They can deny all day
long, and will have plenty of excuses. 8. Dont think you can
change them.
If they know they have protection, they have no motivation to
change. This is a deeply ingrained personality trait and you
arent going to be the one to change what it took years to
develop. That doesnt mean you have to lower your own standards
and treat them poorly; it just means you need to conserve your
time and energy.
9. Check things out with your co-workers to get consensual
validation.
Several heads and perceptions are better than one, especially if
you decide to present this to a supervisor in a united front.
You may still get the answer that nothing can be done.
10. Get support from your colleagues.
Sometimes you can arrange a way you can work around this person.
11. Counter their negative talk (usually goes along with it), by
concrete examples to the contrary, and limit your exposure to
them.
It can be infuriating to work with a passive-aggressive person,
so take care of yourself, and protect your emotions and
attitude. Limit your contact with the person, and practice
methods of self-soothing. Learn to let go and do the best you
can.
I have heard many people say, Theres nothing worse than an
office where you cant stand one person. If this is how you
feel, consider transferring or getting another job. Dont become
passive-aggressive yourself. Remain assertive. You always have
options. Sometimes when enough good people quit, management
takes action. The bad news is, you wont be around there when it
happens, but the good news is you wont be around there when it
happens.
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